came back from council camp 2 days ago. it was awesome. loved it and never regretted going for it. plus, i've learnt alot amongst the fun that i had there. but right now, something else is on my mind. actually, i'm really confused about everything. everyone seems so different now. after my holiday, everything has seemed to change and i cant do anything about it.

yeah so even though the NZ trip gave me time to think, now i realise that maybe thinking is what causes all the problems cause if i dont think about anything, nothing will happen. its cause i think too much and try to change whatever is happening now, that everythings upside down. i cant stand it anymore. i just want to be my old self. you know, when everything was going perfectly.

like, i could trust my friends without doubting they would lie to me. i could completely trust them and not think that they would hide the truth from me. i dont know. and i wanna go back to the stage where i could innocently crush on someone and stop being in such a fix cause that person never found out. why is everything crushing down on me just before christmas, before the new year is going to start?

i cant help but think that my life is going to fall apart. ok, you know what, lets just not talk about this and think on the positive side. i still have friends that i can trust and who will trust me completely and not let me doubt them. and i can still innocently crush. i dont need to tell anyone about anything. no one will know.

crushes are so annoying. make me think too much now. ok. i dont like you anymore. happy now. i dont think it even matters that much cause i'm not asking to you to like me. i just wanna innocently crush and not be afraid that you'd actually find out. but no, something has to go wrong. whatever. i wish it'd all go away.

wait, who am i kidding. thats why its called life.
out.